and my new relationship is hard.

It’s four and half years in, and I still feel broken.  Four and a half years into grief doesn’t seem like a long time, except for the times when it feels like an eternity without that person.  And, while the pain isn’t as raw, it still hurts like crazy at times.

Now is one of the times that it hurts.  This may sound uncaring, but I’m in another relationship, yet I still miss my late husband more than words can express.  I miss the predictability of our relationship.  I miss knowing his love language, and I miss that he knew mine.  I miss that, while we were human and things weren’t easy, there were many things that were straightforward in the relationship.  The absence of familiarity in my new relationship makes things challenging some days.

It was easier dating in my 20s.  I jumped and asked questions later.  I trusted my heart when making decisions (for better or worse; not sure which was which).  I remember moving 1,300 km to be with someone I had only known for six months.  It was no big deal; we were in love.  Now I am dating someone who lives 300 km away, and we can’t quite make that leap. 

I keep looking for the same level of comfort in my new partner that I had with my spouse of 27 years.  It’s unfair to do that.  It’s not fair to him or to myself to expect the same level of ease that took decades to manifest.  I realize that fact on an outside (brain) level, but my heart thinks it should be different.  My heart thinks it should be easy.    

I miss the things that I won’t have with my late husband.  I miss that we won’t sit on the front porch together in our old age.  I miss that he won’t be here to see our daughter get married, and all the other milestones that are important to me.  Events that were important to us.  I miss having someone in my life that knows me on the deepest level possible because of the time we spent together and the challenges we grew through as a couple.  My new relationship is fine, and my partner is wonderful, but we don’t have the same history together.  I miss the peace that comes from being with someone who has seen you at your worst – like when you are drenched in sweat after childbirth, or terrified because of a cancer diagnosis.   

My new partner and I are close, but we don’t have the history.  Without the history we don’t have the same emotional intimacy.  I appreciate that there is love after loss, honest I do.  I appreciate that he cares for me the way he does, in his own unique way.  I am just confused by learning the differences.  I feel a little ‘too old for this’, sometimes, if I’m honest. 

It’s challenging to let go of the past.  Our mind (maybe only my mind, but I doubt it) tries to tell me that things were perfect before.  The perceived perfection of the past makes the imperfection of the present seem more difficult than it is.  I am quite sure that I am making things harder for myself than they really are, but I honestly don’t know how to convince myself that things in the present are exactly as they should be.  Life is hard at times.  Life is no harder now without my husband than what it was while he was still here.  It is just different.  There are still problems that need to be solved, there just isn’t a predicable partner to help me solve them.

It is easy to cling to the past and the way things were.  I have probably done this during all stages of my life.  Moving away from home to go to college was hard compared to living at home with family.  Moving away from an old house, job, or comfortable situation was hard compared to an unfamiliar neighbourhood, co-workers, or events. Moving into a new life with a new partner is hard compared to life with my late husband.  Phases of life change, but moving from one phase to another is guaranteed. 

I have overcome change in the past.  I have put to bed old ideas and habits so that new adventures could unfold.  I have stepped from safe and comfortable into the unknown on many occasions.  If I think about it, this is really no different.  This is another one of the many paths on this journey of life.  This is a detour that was not expected, but it can still turn into a beautiful ride.

Yes, I fiercely miss some of the things of my past, especially my late husband.  But I can’t let that pain keep me from the life that is ahead of me.  I can’t let it swallow me up and hold me hostage.  I need to be brave and step into my new life.  I need to be vulnerable and love anew.  It’s hard, but life is hard, and it’s worth it.  We are worth it.