More than 10 years before my husband, Brian, passed away, we went through a very difficult experience as a couple. The details are irrelevant, but the wounds that reopened after his passing were almost as difficult as the initial incidents. I thought I had made peace with what had happened. I thought I had forgiven Brian and moved on. I was wrong. 

Being ambushed by grief is common to someone who is grieving. Being ambushed by the grief of a past experience, however, adds a whole extra layer. While it has been said by a wise donkey that everyone loves a parfait because of its layers, the same thing does not hold true in grief. I did not appreciate the additional layers of complexity to my grief. 

The open door of feeling betrayed had definitively been left ajar without my knowledge. Approximately a year after Brian passed, the door swung wide open. Reopened wounds are a challenge to navigate on their own, but when paired with, and complicated by, grief, a whole new set of challenges arises. 

At first, I was shocked by my feelings.  Why was this surfacing now? Then I was confused.  I thought this had been put to rest. Next, I became frustrated.  I didn’t want to face this all again. Finally, I become unsettled.  How could I seek closure after Brian had passed, and we were no longer able to talk and resolve the situation?

The turning point for me was during a conversation with a friend. She was also dealing with a scenario in her past. She would regularly (every couple of months, at least) re-live every detail of what had transpired over 40 years ago. Her pain was still raw as she wept and voiced her frustration at the lack of closure. She would never have the answers she looked for. She would never hear the truth of her betrayal, or the words, ‘I’m sorry’.

My light bulb moment happened shortly after our conversation when I realized that I did not want to be carrying around the weight of an unresolved issue 40 years from now. I made the decision that the door needed to be closed once and for all, and I was the only one with the power to pull on the door handle. 

The situation will not change. It is in the past. My current actions regarding the situation, however, are the only part that are in my control. It is not easy, but I need to close the door. No one can do it for me. 

If you are struggling with closure, I do not intend to make light of your situation. Your battle is your own, and I am not in a position to tell you how to fight. All I know is my personal experience. All I know is that the person I was fighting can no longer defend themselves, so I must be the one to put down my sword and shield.  I also know that since that decision, my burden is considerable lighter. At the end of the day, the path I am on is my own, and I must do all I can to show grace to myself and others in order to travel in peace.