My fridge is broken and I feel paralyzed.  It is just me in the house, and I feel utterly lost at who to tell, who to call, or what to do.  I don’t feel strong enough, physically or emotionally, to deal with it.  There are frequent times that I feel strong and powerful in my new phase of life as a single, widowed, middle-aged woman.  Today is not one of those days.  I can’t even pull the fridge out to check behind it on my own.  I’m not strong enough.  It is a simple task, to some, but not to me today. 

Grief has a way of breaking us, even years after the fact.  Things that we once did effortlessly with someone else seem crippling when faced alone.  I am flooded with feelings like – I thought I was stronger than this, just call a repair man, it’s not a big deal, but each of those thoughts weighs a million pounds.  All I want currently is for my husband to know what to do.  I want his reassurance.  I want his strength.  I want to know that I am not alone in this.  And yet here I am, alone and stuck.

Even now, years after my husband’s passing, there are still things that catch me off guard.  Most of my life has a rhythm to it again.  I have found a groove, a pattern in my actions and my days when I am able to function and get things done.  I thought I had grown into a capable adult without him, and was able to handle tasks.  Until a day like today, where out of the blue I am faced with the reality of not having my life partner beside me.

We all have someone in our lives that gives us that reassurance and strength, even without us realizing it sometimes. The exact relationship description is irrelevant.  It could be a parent, spouse, child, sibling, friend, even a pet.  We value their life and their existence, and the hole they leave behind is excruciating.  

So, now what?  How do I step out of the darkness I feel and into the light of being able to do adult things?  At this moment, I don’t know.  I don’t have an answer.  The only thing I can do is take the next step forward.  Just the next best thing for me on this journey.  The other thing I need to do is love myself and show myself grace.  I must be the support that I need.  I must show myself grace and compassion so that I can settle my thundering heart and move into a space where I can think clearly.